Control what you can, let go of what you can’t.
Did you know, that according to the National Science Foundation, we each have between 12,000-60,000 thoughts a day? No wonder I am tired.
More astonishingly though, is that fact that roughly 80 percent of those thoughts are negative!
It’s no wonder we are in the midst of a mental health crisis!
This year for me has been a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions, the type that I tell myself are quite standard for someone starting their own business from nought.
#allthethings
There have been the highest highs, like when I am facilitating a workshop with a client that I love working with, and the whole thing just clicks, the group are firing, the feedback is positive, and I realise I am good at this (it is still a realisation, not a reminder… even after all these years).
And there have been some low, lows. I’m not sure I need to explain them, we’ve all had them – the self-talk is negative – “this is going to fail”, and “you’re not good at this”, “just go get a job” … you know, the list is long.
The seesaw has been oscillating between these extremes pretty swiftly. Last week I could not have written this blog, the momentum was low.
And I realise that so much of the worry comes from the things I cannot control.
Oh the irony! Because so often I have stood in front of rooms of people, exploring the circles of concern and encouraging people to let go of the things they cannot control!
The dichotomy of control is one of the most important and profound concepts in the philosophy of Stoicism. You could even say that it is the foundation of which Stoicism sits upon.
The concept is easy enough to grasp.
In the words of my favourite Greek philosopher, Epictetus… “The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control.”
So, something like this:
Things that are within your control: your thoughts and actions.
Things that are outside of your control: everything else.
The modern interpretation sometimes adds in a middle layer:
Things that you can influence: friends, family, reputation, health.
Worrying about #allthethings outside of your control leads to overthinking, anxiety, and lower productivity. It’s a hamster wheel of negativity.
So why do we find it so hard to let go of control?
My foray into running my own business have led me to these theories…
First, there are those of us who embrace security and predictability (ah-hem, yes, I mean me).
Uncertainty, on the other hand, triggers fear and discomfort. By seeking control, we are trying to create stability in our lives. It sure is hard to feel certainty about paying the bills without the secure income!
Moreover, the illusion of control can be comforting. Even when faced with overwhelming evidence suggesting otherwise, people might cling to the belief that they can influence outcomes through sheer determination or effort.
For some people, (ahem, me again) personal identity can be tied to control. Letting go of control may feel like losing a part of yourself or admitting weakness, which can really only lead to a resistance and reluctance to embrace the uncertainties of life.
Overall, letting go requires trust—trust in oneself, trust in others, and trust in the universe or higher power. It involves surrendering the need to micromanage every aspect of life and accepting that some things are beyond our reach.
None of these things come without a deep pause and some painful self-reflection.
But here’s the kicker: when you manage to cease controlling those external factors, you free up mental and emotional space. You become more resilient in the face of change because you're not expending energy on what you can’t control.
Instead, you focus on what you can influence and control—your actions, decisions, thoughts and responses. This shift in mindset not only reduces stress and anxiety but can also enhance your ability to adapt and make meaningful changes.
Mastering the ‘art of letting go of what you can’t control’ is no mean feat.
Yet (and I speak from the podium of success, this week), when you can let go, you will feel empowered to direct your energy where it matters.
It’s a constant decision to embrace the circle of control, to remind yourself to let go and invest where it matters. But on a good week, when you’re in the zone, you’ll reap the rewards.
